In recent news i have caught them talking several times & have just become so down that i cant even hold my head up and try to make a new friend or have a conversation. I wrote him a letter & id like to share it:
Havent wrote in awhile. I been feeling very depressed. I am so emotional & nothing gets me feeling more upset and depressed & angry than all you did to me. Today It got explosive, & you said "we're not meant to be together" . It struck something in me.
I will never say were not meant to be together, because i've always believed we are. I do think we need time apart though, this whole thing is driving me crazy. It is not good to put my kids through this. I need to let go .... im so scared to because i love you so much & i dont know if we will find our way back to eachother. Im so angry about what youvdid & when you did it ... I cant let it go. I still dont know how u can see me in such pain & then continue to talk to her behind my back while saying ur worthy of trust. & im so confused, i desperately want you to stay but the pain i feel inside kills me & i want you to know that pain so i constantly show it to you. Its ugly. I dont like being an ugly person, i think i need to heal alone.
Everything has been building up in me & its driving me crazy w/ emotion. I already have a huge life changing event coming with stellas arrival & the sadness & anger i feel about you is causing me to be very overwhelmed. I lost myself somewhere. This has changed me and i need to gain some sanity & clarity right now. I dont know how to handle everything right now. Im slipping away to the anger, sadness, regret, shame, fear, & heartache.
I dont know when or how i'll find peace but i need to. Inside of me is pure emotional turmoil & it feels terrible all the time. I dont bring this up 70% of the time i think of it, but my mind is always on it. Its also hard not knowing if the pregnancy is bringing these feelings to extremes.
I want to be with you but i need to feel confident in myself & know that you truly want to be with me. I doubt it when you say you do now, i feel like if it werent for stella you wouldve left. I need to look forward to our future again instead of dwelling on the past. I need to find myself again instead of being depressed. And i really need to forgive you.
I dont know if you will ever decide on me as your lady but i think i need to let u make that decision instead of holding on to u so tightly when inside i feel so badly .... I hope that u see in me what it is you fell in love with, and i need to see that in me as well ... Ive never felt so scared in my life about the life changes ahead both w/ u & stella ... I guess i looked at you as my protector & your the one who hurt me so badly during this time in our lives, it feels so devastating and i want u see my pain ... I want you to figure out if you really want to be with me, i kno that ive been miserable to be around lately ...
And i think if we are honest & open we will find happiness & content in our family & ourselves ... I love you more than you will ever know, & no matter what i will always love you. I love everything about you ... i love your humor, i love your scent, i love your touch, i love your mind, i love you as a father, i love how u do things to show u care, i love your kisses, i love your smile, i love our conversations, i love how passionate you can be, and through all the tough times we've been through i still love you more than the world....i will always love you.
I need you to know that, my love for you is pure...there are no other intentions. I know you better than anybody, you are like family to me. i hope you still have that love for me inside. I dont want things between us to get so ugly because of the life circumstances surrounding us...i need help in understanding how we can get what we need to make the biggest decision in our childrens lives. I know it will devastate landon to lose you, & with school coming up i'd like to prevent him from starting school w/ anger or hurt inside. I think we should use next week to spend a few days apart, i want you to be sure about me as much as i want to be sure about you.
And thats what i wrote him, he never wrote back but told me he cares...i just dont know anymore, 34 days till baby Stella arrives :). Maybe ill start to balance out more then.
