I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl September 3rd which was 3 weeks before my due date. My boyfriend has been a wonderful father and we've spent alot of time together (since i am on maternity leave now) and all of it has been fun and enjoyable. However, inside of me i feel like nothing has changed in regards to my heartache. I still cry, alone, silently ... Less often but the pain from his betrayal still cuts me deeply.
He recently started a new job & i found myself wondering if he will meet a new "friend" there. I can't live with that fear in my heart everyday, i hate feeling like i could be so easily lied to & fooled. These feelings arent as extreme as they were during my pregnancy though, i am almost numb to them in a sense. I knew that after i gave birth i wouldnt feel so helpless & depressed but i didnt know that i would carry on w/ life as usual w/out much feelings at all about us. Only when i think about it does it hurt so much, but the passion i used to have for him is also numb as well - so most of the time there are no feelings at all.
I keep my strength as a mother & my happiness for my baby girl on the forefront. But inside i feel like if i met a man who moved me in some sense i might just go after my own desires and not hold back anymore. Maybe my one true love is still out there, maybe i was wrong about my boyfriend being the one and maybe love can be like a disney movie w/ a fairytale ending. Not that this scenario is likely but inside i know that his betrayal will never go away & i deserve to feel special and secure. Im just going w/ the motions right now, not dwelling on this pain but not forgetting it either.
The words he said to her still echo in my head - telling her shes comforting to him, that forces have kept them apart, that shes most beautiful au natural, that he misses her - it all just pains my heart to remember. I dont even know the words to express the pain these messages bring me to this day. And ive had conversations w/ this girl as well, she always says it was a mistake & she wishes she could take it back. As does he - but his words & actions since my knowledge of that affair have proven him to be unworthy of any trust from me.
What they both dont understand though is that this may have been a 'mistake' for them but for me it crushed my whole world. This was the man i was sure i was going to marry, that i was so sure loved me, that i thought truly cared about me, that i made part of my family, that i let my son call 'daddy' and in an instant all of that was questioned. Now i feel like i can see what that couldve been like as we spend time together - but in reality im just waiting for whats left of our relationship to finally unravel.
I look at my daughter & she is so beautiful and precious to me and i never want her to feel unworthy or as heartbroken as i have for the past 8 months. I dont want her to think that she should accept heartache and settle like i did for someone who hurts her. I want her to know that her mother is strong and i want her to know her worth.
I dont know what to do but let time take its course. Im not angry enough to kick him to the curb & take his kids away but im not as optimistic enough anymore to think of our future like i used to. Maybe he will continue to try to prove himself & his love to me and in time these wounds will heal. Or maybe i will grow stronger & less attached to him and in time i can say goodbye without regret or hesitation. Its still so strange to me to not be so sure of us and i hope in time i will feel complete happiness and clarity in whatever lover i have. Everybody wants to be loved - i strive to give my children enough love to feel special - and i hope one day i get to feel that love again that makes me feel special. I guess thats the key, what happened made me realize that im not special to him - i could be replaced so easily. There will always be more frenchies, no matter where he works - the question is whether he loves me enough to never cross that line again? Or should not take the risk & stick around another 5 years to find out?
