Well, I have tried my hardest to work this out; to communicate, to stop crying & being angry, and to be more loving. I stopped checking his phone because he deletes everything anyways but I had a bad feeling for a few days so when I saw it one morning charging I looked. Here we go again, this is from him to Frenchie:
"What hospital? May I come and see you?
Hello? I txtd dana when you told me change of plans. She said she was told that you were fine when you left. I didn't tell her anythin about what you said. If this is ur way of telling me to fuck off tonight then I guess I'll have to take that but I hope its not. How come you won't tell me which hospital so I can see you?
I mean if its david or some other guy who surprised you and decided to take you out tonight then you can tell me. Instead I'm worrying my ass off at work and can't even thing straight but you won't answer so I'm just horse shit in ur mind tonight.
I just read my txts and I feel horrible. I was really really really looking forward to spend some time w you tonight. I was so very excited to see you. Then was deflated once you told me what's going on and instantly my defense mode kicked in. I trully appologize. Hate me if you like. I just miss you and tonight would have been the night to hang w you. Be safe. Get well. You are (always) in my thoughts."
Immediately I sent her a nasty, threatening text. In retrospect that was foolish of me because her & I both know that this man doesn't love me or he wouldn't do this.
When I confronted him about this the lies spewed out like they had already been prepared. She texted him that she was in the hospital & he was worried, he just misses her friendship, this is the first time they talked since the last time I caught them...blah blah blah. I might be a fool for him but I am not an idiot.
When I told him about my text to her his emotions and anger went up ten fold. "SHES IN THE HOSPITAL, SHES STRAPPED TO A BED, HER CANCER CAME BACK (can I call triple BULLSHIT on that one? fuckin retarded lie), SHES A NICE PERSON....blah blah blah. This is almost too painful to relive. Here I am, the woman who has been by his side for 5 years and never did him wrong. I am the woman who has cried millions of tears for him, swallowed my pride for him, folded his clothes, took out loans in my name to pay for bills he couldn't, bought his cigarettes, and most of all I am currently carrying his unborn child. I am a nice person. The knife he drove into my heart at this moment caused a wound too big to heal.
I realized that this man does not love me and I cannot be with him. This is certainly one of the most painful self-truths you will ever have. I never doubted that this man was my future husband, that he woulds always love me & be there for me. The pain triples when I think of the moment I have to tell my 5 year old son that his father and I will not be together anymore.
I am so angry that I gave him so many chances to make this right & he didn't care. He disrespected me and our family by ignoring my pain and selfishly doing what he wanted. This man does not love me. We are forever changed & I can't turn back the hands of time.
I told him this morning that we need to figure out the child/living situation because I now know that we will never work out. He gave me his word (which doesn't mean much anymore) that he wouldn't abandon me pregnant or with 2 small children. I cannot afford to live on my own, we have to live together until I get my tax return & can find a cheaper place. It's so strange that we mothers immediately go into survival mode even though everything is crumbling around us.
Grieving this relationship that was filled with such joy and love is very hard. I dreamt of the day that he would propose to me, I now know that will never happen. I don't know if I'll ever get married. The thought of ever dating again makes me nauseous, I'm not cut out for that. For now I need to find peace in knowing that I am going to begin a new chapter in my life as a single mother. Preparing to say that final goodbye is gutwrenching.
Will I ever be happy again? Will I find inner peace and joy in being a mother & not a lover or wife?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Confused...
Well I haven't written in awhile but alot has happened....
We found out that we are having a baby girl.
My birthday came & went...I did not receive a gift or even a card.
Mother's Day came & went....I did not receive a gift or even a card.
While these both hurt me very much it didn't hurt as much as seeing that my boyfriend was still talking to this girl or as much as when he finally revealed a little honesty to me.
My boyfriend is the type of guy who will lie until you have concrete proof, I cannot talk to him about anything (even things I already know about) because he will just look me in my eyes and lie. I have kept alot of things inside because I just dont feel like hearing his lies nor do I have the energy to fight with him. I feel like he is 2 different people, he is the family man when he is home with us but at night he is a chef who drinks after work and parties like a teenager with girls 10 years younger than him. He comes home at 3am, he takes prescription pills from co-workers, he flirts with any one who will give him the attention. I recently saw a text between him & a waitress where he repeatedly asked if she was naked & tried to get together with her at 2am. As a woman who is 6 months pregnant this is having a very depressing effect on me, I'm trapped all summer in this baby vessel while all the girls younger than me wear thier tans and booty shorts. I just need some affection, not because I'm here & no one else took the bait - but because you love me & think I'm still beautiful & want to touch me and have this intimate experience while our child is growing inside me. The hurt in my heart is overwhelming at times, it is hard to function normally some days because I feel so un-important, un-loved, and very disrespected.
This night after the text message (since I had concrete proof) he felt bold enough to actually be honest with me and as much as it hurts I really needed that. We have been together almost 5 years and he basically told me that he doesn't think we are supposed to be together. He also said that he doesn't know what love is or how to love someone. But we had almost 4 wonderful years, everyday he touched me and told me I was beautiful, everyday I felt his passion towards me, everyday I felt loved and special, and everyday I was lifted up. He said he's felt like this for months because we fight alot, well yea when you start seeing other women and not helping me with the house or bills there will be fighting! NOW I'm fighting for his love and affection and honesty - I desperately want to see some passion or remorse or love from him. I'm tired of feeling like I should stay silent, just cook, clean, & keep the pain deep inside - just keep the peace so he doesn't think any worse of me. I guess I don't know the best way to handle this situation, I am overwhelmed. At the same time he is not the best at communication - you have to force conversations that involve feelings or anything real.
He said that he cares very deeply for me but he does not love me anymore because he doesn't know what love is. As a man who recently turned 30 I do not know if this is some strange "mid-life" crisis but the fact that he is trying to find some meaning, destiny or inner peace (in all the wrong places, that comes from within, not from sexual escapades or meaningless friendships through alcohol) says to me that he has hit a moment in life when he doesn't want to grow older and stagnant.
He also said that night that he grew up without a father and that we HAVE to make this work for the kids. He didn't say that he's sorry for all the pain he's caused me, for the holidays he let pass without anything to make me special, for the lies he's told... or that he WANTS to make this work - I have become a responsibility, a chore - not a beautiful woman that he is in love with. It is hard to feel like I am not special, I just happened to get pregnant with his child. I understand that no relationship is perfect but every woman wants a man who truly loves them, who has eyes only for them, who makes them feel special and wanted. I also don't think I can work full time, raise my kids, and then accept him getting to live this double life at night when I am home with the kids. That is not fair to me to provide you with a clean home, clean clothes, groceries in the fridge, a life with your children, and a live in sex doll at your leisure while you do what you want or even who you want. You cannot have your cake and eat it too here - I'm a woman, not your bitch. I want to be a man's one & only - not his number one of many.
As much as this hurts and as scared as I am to raise 2 kids alone I just do not think that I can accept this proposal of staying together for the kids. I understand that my life mission and goal now should be providing for my children and ensuring thier happiness but I don't think that means that I don't deserve to find my own happiness anymore. He said that it is our kids turn now to grow and live life and that our time is done - we don't matter anymore, finding our own happiness is no longer an option. I am 26 years old & normally a very attractive woman when I'm not haggard looking from crying everyday, lacking sleep and blown up from pregnancy. I do know in my heart that at some time if I leave I will find a man who will love, appreciate, and adore me. The fear in this lies in the fact that I now have 2 children from 2 different men (& you can tell, they are not white - one is half latino & this baby will be half filipino). I could buy a range rover & act like Angelina Jolie, foreign looking kids are in right?!
But in all seriousness I also know that times have changed, this is not the 50s, lots of single people have children and therefore many people are open to it and enjoy blending thier families. It is not my ideal situation but if I'm still not loved and treated the way I should be by the time this lease is up I think I may need to follow my own heart and begin this journey in life alone. The thought of this pains me very much, I wanted desperately to marry this man, to plan family vacations together, to buy a house together, paint it together, get a family dog together, and grow old making jokes on the back porch while drinking a margarita together. Children are very resilient though, if they still see thier father and grow up thinking this normal it will not affect them negatively. I am a very active mother, we go to the park, the zoo, the beach, the museum, local festivals - I think that my kids can still live an enriching life with me alone - thier father works most nights anyways so I am the one here alone already.
It is all too much right now though, thinking about it can give me strength at times but I still feel so weak. I'm pregnant & cannot make any moves right now -but maybe that is a good thing. It gives me time to gain some clarity, understanding, and self-worth. This whole thing has made me feel so worthless, am I not worldly enough? Experienced enough? Interesting enough? Poetic enough? Am I attractive enough? There are many doubts about myself and my worth and I need to find the peace within myself to know that I AM enough and no one should make me feel differently. Right now I am depressed beyond belief, I just want some affection, some love, a touch that isn't sexual but has meaning - I want to feel special so bad it hurts. I want to get kissed without asking for it again, I want him to feel passion for me again, I want to smile again without forcing it but most of all I really wish he could love me again. I don't know how to get him to see my worth and fall in love with me again - this whole thing has made me so nervous around him I don't know what to say because I don't want to say anything that cements his notion that someone else is more interesting.
Today is a family day - of course he is sleeping in late & I won't say anything about that in my fear of losing what little attention & affection I still get - but I'm glad to get this off my mind so I can try to have a somewhat normal today without my mind in several places at once. With him now instead of being happy & carefree I wonder if he looks at me now & finds me unattractive, if he thinks I'm boring, if he's seen the acne on my face, if he wishes he were with someone else, if my breath stinks, if he's embarrassed to be with me, if he's thinking of someone else, if I should try to get some affection or just keep my distance - and when he never initiates any affection I get so much anxiety and pain as to why. Mentally, I torture myself now. I hope that this goes away with time, if he never loves me again I hope I can grow less & less concerned about every detail and in turn gain the strength to find my own happiness. I hope that I can be strong enough to make it through this - everyday has become an internal struggle now for me.
Here's to losing at Jungle Golf today but I will try to not lose my mind as well :)
We found out that we are having a baby girl.
My birthday came & went...I did not receive a gift or even a card.
Mother's Day came & went....I did not receive a gift or even a card.
While these both hurt me very much it didn't hurt as much as seeing that my boyfriend was still talking to this girl or as much as when he finally revealed a little honesty to me.
My boyfriend is the type of guy who will lie until you have concrete proof, I cannot talk to him about anything (even things I already know about) because he will just look me in my eyes and lie. I have kept alot of things inside because I just dont feel like hearing his lies nor do I have the energy to fight with him. I feel like he is 2 different people, he is the family man when he is home with us but at night he is a chef who drinks after work and parties like a teenager with girls 10 years younger than him. He comes home at 3am, he takes prescription pills from co-workers, he flirts with any one who will give him the attention. I recently saw a text between him & a waitress where he repeatedly asked if she was naked & tried to get together with her at 2am. As a woman who is 6 months pregnant this is having a very depressing effect on me, I'm trapped all summer in this baby vessel while all the girls younger than me wear thier tans and booty shorts. I just need some affection, not because I'm here & no one else took the bait - but because you love me & think I'm still beautiful & want to touch me and have this intimate experience while our child is growing inside me. The hurt in my heart is overwhelming at times, it is hard to function normally some days because I feel so un-important, un-loved, and very disrespected.
This night after the text message (since I had concrete proof) he felt bold enough to actually be honest with me and as much as it hurts I really needed that. We have been together almost 5 years and he basically told me that he doesn't think we are supposed to be together. He also said that he doesn't know what love is or how to love someone. But we had almost 4 wonderful years, everyday he touched me and told me I was beautiful, everyday I felt his passion towards me, everyday I felt loved and special, and everyday I was lifted up. He said he's felt like this for months because we fight alot, well yea when you start seeing other women and not helping me with the house or bills there will be fighting! NOW I'm fighting for his love and affection and honesty - I desperately want to see some passion or remorse or love from him. I'm tired of feeling like I should stay silent, just cook, clean, & keep the pain deep inside - just keep the peace so he doesn't think any worse of me. I guess I don't know the best way to handle this situation, I am overwhelmed. At the same time he is not the best at communication - you have to force conversations that involve feelings or anything real.
He said that he cares very deeply for me but he does not love me anymore because he doesn't know what love is. As a man who recently turned 30 I do not know if this is some strange "mid-life" crisis but the fact that he is trying to find some meaning, destiny or inner peace (in all the wrong places, that comes from within, not from sexual escapades or meaningless friendships through alcohol) says to me that he has hit a moment in life when he doesn't want to grow older and stagnant.
He also said that night that he grew up without a father and that we HAVE to make this work for the kids. He didn't say that he's sorry for all the pain he's caused me, for the holidays he let pass without anything to make me special, for the lies he's told... or that he WANTS to make this work - I have become a responsibility, a chore - not a beautiful woman that he is in love with. It is hard to feel like I am not special, I just happened to get pregnant with his child. I understand that no relationship is perfect but every woman wants a man who truly loves them, who has eyes only for them, who makes them feel special and wanted. I also don't think I can work full time, raise my kids, and then accept him getting to live this double life at night when I am home with the kids. That is not fair to me to provide you with a clean home, clean clothes, groceries in the fridge, a life with your children, and a live in sex doll at your leisure while you do what you want or even who you want. You cannot have your cake and eat it too here - I'm a woman, not your bitch. I want to be a man's one & only - not his number one of many.
As much as this hurts and as scared as I am to raise 2 kids alone I just do not think that I can accept this proposal of staying together for the kids. I understand that my life mission and goal now should be providing for my children and ensuring thier happiness but I don't think that means that I don't deserve to find my own happiness anymore. He said that it is our kids turn now to grow and live life and that our time is done - we don't matter anymore, finding our own happiness is no longer an option. I am 26 years old & normally a very attractive woman when I'm not haggard looking from crying everyday, lacking sleep and blown up from pregnancy. I do know in my heart that at some time if I leave I will find a man who will love, appreciate, and adore me. The fear in this lies in the fact that I now have 2 children from 2 different men (& you can tell, they are not white - one is half latino & this baby will be half filipino). I could buy a range rover & act like Angelina Jolie, foreign looking kids are in right?!
But in all seriousness I also know that times have changed, this is not the 50s, lots of single people have children and therefore many people are open to it and enjoy blending thier families. It is not my ideal situation but if I'm still not loved and treated the way I should be by the time this lease is up I think I may need to follow my own heart and begin this journey in life alone. The thought of this pains me very much, I wanted desperately to marry this man, to plan family vacations together, to buy a house together, paint it together, get a family dog together, and grow old making jokes on the back porch while drinking a margarita together. Children are very resilient though, if they still see thier father and grow up thinking this normal it will not affect them negatively. I am a very active mother, we go to the park, the zoo, the beach, the museum, local festivals - I think that my kids can still live an enriching life with me alone - thier father works most nights anyways so I am the one here alone already.
It is all too much right now though, thinking about it can give me strength at times but I still feel so weak. I'm pregnant & cannot make any moves right now -but maybe that is a good thing. It gives me time to gain some clarity, understanding, and self-worth. This whole thing has made me feel so worthless, am I not worldly enough? Experienced enough? Interesting enough? Poetic enough? Am I attractive enough? There are many doubts about myself and my worth and I need to find the peace within myself to know that I AM enough and no one should make me feel differently. Right now I am depressed beyond belief, I just want some affection, some love, a touch that isn't sexual but has meaning - I want to feel special so bad it hurts. I want to get kissed without asking for it again, I want him to feel passion for me again, I want to smile again without forcing it but most of all I really wish he could love me again. I don't know how to get him to see my worth and fall in love with me again - this whole thing has made me so nervous around him I don't know what to say because I don't want to say anything that cements his notion that someone else is more interesting.
Today is a family day - of course he is sleeping in late & I won't say anything about that in my fear of losing what little attention & affection I still get - but I'm glad to get this off my mind so I can try to have a somewhat normal today without my mind in several places at once. With him now instead of being happy & carefree I wonder if he looks at me now & finds me unattractive, if he thinks I'm boring, if he's seen the acne on my face, if he wishes he were with someone else, if my breath stinks, if he's embarrassed to be with me, if he's thinking of someone else, if I should try to get some affection or just keep my distance - and when he never initiates any affection I get so much anxiety and pain as to why. Mentally, I torture myself now. I hope that this goes away with time, if he never loves me again I hope I can grow less & less concerned about every detail and in turn gain the strength to find my own happiness. I hope that I can be strong enough to make it through this - everyday has become an internal struggle now for me.
Here's to losing at Jungle Golf today but I will try to not lose my mind as well :)
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