Well, I have tried my hardest to work this out; to communicate, to stop crying & being angry, and to be more loving. I stopped checking his phone because he deletes everything anyways but I had a bad feeling for a few days so when I saw it one morning charging I looked. Here we go again, this is from him to Frenchie:
"What hospital? May I come and see you?
Hello? I txtd dana when you told me change of plans. She said she was told that you were fine when you left. I didn't tell her anythin about what you said. If this is ur way of telling me to fuck off tonight then I guess I'll have to take that but I hope its not. How come you won't tell me which hospital so I can see you?
I mean if its david or some other guy who surprised you and decided to take you out tonight then you can tell me. Instead I'm worrying my ass off at work and can't even thing straight but you won't answer so I'm just horse shit in ur mind tonight.
I just read my txts and I feel horrible. I was really really really looking forward to spend some time w you tonight. I was so very excited to see you. Then was deflated once you told me what's going on and instantly my defense mode kicked in. I trully appologize. Hate me if you like. I just miss you and tonight would have been the night to hang w you. Be safe. Get well. You are (always) in my thoughts."
Immediately I sent her a nasty, threatening text. In retrospect that was foolish of me because her & I both know that this man doesn't love me or he wouldn't do this.
When I confronted him about this the lies spewed out like they had already been prepared. She texted him that she was in the hospital & he was worried, he just misses her friendship, this is the first time they talked since the last time I caught them...blah blah blah. I might be a fool for him but I am not an idiot.
When I told him about my text to her his emotions and anger went up ten fold. "SHES IN THE HOSPITAL, SHES STRAPPED TO A BED, HER CANCER CAME BACK (can I call triple BULLSHIT on that one? fuckin retarded lie), SHES A NICE PERSON....blah blah blah. This is almost too painful to relive. Here I am, the woman who has been by his side for 5 years and never did him wrong. I am the woman who has cried millions of tears for him, swallowed my pride for him, folded his clothes, took out loans in my name to pay for bills he couldn't, bought his cigarettes, and most of all I am currently carrying his unborn child. I am a nice person. The knife he drove into my heart at this moment caused a wound too big to heal.
I realized that this man does not love me and I cannot be with him. This is certainly one of the most painful self-truths you will ever have. I never doubted that this man was my future husband, that he woulds always love me & be there for me. The pain triples when I think of the moment I have to tell my 5 year old son that his father and I will not be together anymore.
I am so angry that I gave him so many chances to make this right & he didn't care. He disrespected me and our family by ignoring my pain and selfishly doing what he wanted. This man does not love me. We are forever changed & I can't turn back the hands of time.
I told him this morning that we need to figure out the child/living situation because I now know that we will never work out. He gave me his word (which doesn't mean much anymore) that he wouldn't abandon me pregnant or with 2 small children. I cannot afford to live on my own, we have to live together until I get my tax return & can find a cheaper place. It's so strange that we mothers immediately go into survival mode even though everything is crumbling around us.
Grieving this relationship that was filled with such joy and love is very hard. I dreamt of the day that he would propose to me, I now know that will never happen. I don't know if I'll ever get married. The thought of ever dating again makes me nauseous, I'm not cut out for that. For now I need to find peace in knowing that I am going to begin a new chapter in my life as a single mother. Preparing to say that final goodbye is gutwrenching.
Will I ever be happy again? Will I find inner peace and joy in being a mother & not a lover or wife?
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