vodka & orange juice

So I haven't brought up the incident between us for my entire maternity leave, even though I think about it everyday.  I figure it only makes me miserable, with his reaction to it especially, he gets mad.  He thinks that since he has been showing me he's changed & that he loves me that everything should go right back to normal.  But in my mind I wonder how he could love me so much now when just a few months ago he was lying to me and telling me that we aren't supposed to be together.

In all honesty I have enjoyed this time with him throughout my maternity leave, which will soon end, I just feel like inside I have doubts and reservations about him.  I wonder if we both are still here out of necessity, if we had the funds to live separately would we still be together?  That is a terrible feeling to have when you are trying to tell someone you love them and trust in them to protect you and take care of you.

Last night we drank some vodka, and it spewed out of my mouth like it had been waiting to for weeks, the feelings I've had about him and his betrayal.  Not the best timing either as we were in bed but I kept thinking about him w/ her and if he treated her better or even respected her more in certain situations.  Did he treat her like a lady and me like a whore?  Without getting too graphic I just wondered in the moment if he ever asked her to do certain things or if he just saves those for me.  It made me so mad, and I couldn't help but say it.

He got angry of course saying he wasn't thinking about anything else but me, but I don't think it's quite fair to leave these thoughts in my head alone to upset me alone, when I never did anything wrong.  Instead of reassuring me or giving me love or talking to me about it he rolled over in anger and eventually fell asleep.

This morning was the awkward conversation, not like every other morning.  I asked if he was mad but didn't bring up anything else, and he said no of course but after 5 years you can tell when something is wrong.  I'm going to go about this day as normal as possible but I do feel like I need to talk about this.  I feel that it is unresolved just poisoning me from the inside out.  I'd like to come to peace with it for my own happiness, I find it so strange that he is ok and she is ok and I am still dying inside, the lone victim of this selfish relationship they developed behind my back.

I know he gets mad to talk about it because he has said that he's embarrassed about it and ashamed about it. He has said that he was in a bad place and drank too much which caused things to be said and done that wouldn't otherwise.  He's embarrassed that he wanted attention from someone other than me so bad, to prove he is still desirable at 30, that he even pushed her to the point of not wanting him anymore.  But to me none of this is an excuse for the hurt and betrayal he caused me.  I think if it was one act and once I found out he cut all ties and tried to prove his love to me I wouldn't feel this way still.  But he kept going behind my back to talk to her and try to see her and tell her things that to this day bring tears to my eyes when I think about it.

I don't know if time will make this better, if I should see a shrink to work through my feelings, or if I should start preparing myself financially to eventually tell him to get out.  I want to go back to the time when I was so sure this was my future husband and I felt so secure and happy with him.  But I can't, what we had has been damaged and I don't know if I can ever feel that way again.  He has done everything he knows how to show me of his faith and love but I still feel like I'm not enough, or that I'm just being settled on because of the kids he doesn't want to lose.

The funny thing is, although it slips into my mind daily it doesn't feel this sad as much as it used to.  After I write this I'll probably go back to daily life and not shed another tear over it for weeks, but that's still too many tears I should shed.  I am getting sad about Christmas time coming because that's when he physically cheated on me.  I shouldn't have to feel sadness about such a joyous holiday for my children and family.  I hope that I can find more inner peace and can find my path to happiness, whatever that may be, sooner rather than later.  I get scared that I am wasting my time, and I don't want to waste years before realizing what I need to do......but such is life.

Back to work next week, it'll be nice to go back to being around my co-workers again and dressing professional rather than in my pajamas all day.  I will miss my baby girl so much but I think going back will be good for me.  I think I shall write about it....