So I haven't brought up the incident between us for my entire maternity leave, even though I think about it everyday. I figure it only makes me miserable, with his reaction to it especially, he gets mad. He thinks that since he has been showing me he's changed & that he loves me that everything should go right back to normal. But in my mind I wonder how he could love me so much now when just a few months ago he was lying to me and telling me that we aren't supposed to be together.
In all honesty I have enjoyed this time with him throughout my maternity leave, which will soon end, I just feel like inside I have doubts and reservations about him. I wonder if we both are still here out of necessity, if we had the funds to live separately would we still be together? That is a terrible feeling to have when you are trying to tell someone you love them and trust in them to protect you and take care of you.
Last night we drank some vodka, and it spewed out of my mouth like it had been waiting to for weeks, the feelings I've had about him and his betrayal. Not the best timing either as we were in bed but I kept thinking about him w/ her and if he treated her better or even respected her more in certain situations. Did he treat her like a lady and me like a whore? Without getting too graphic I just wondered in the moment if he ever asked her to do certain things or if he just saves those for me. It made me so mad, and I couldn't help but say it.
He got angry of course saying he wasn't thinking about anything else but me, but I don't think it's quite fair to leave these thoughts in my head alone to upset me alone, when I never did anything wrong. Instead of reassuring me or giving me love or talking to me about it he rolled over in anger and eventually fell asleep.
This morning was the awkward conversation, not like every other morning. I asked if he was mad but didn't bring up anything else, and he said no of course but after 5 years you can tell when something is wrong. I'm going to go about this day as normal as possible but I do feel like I need to talk about this. I feel that it is unresolved just poisoning me from the inside out. I'd like to come to peace with it for my own happiness, I find it so strange that he is ok and she is ok and I am still dying inside, the lone victim of this selfish relationship they developed behind my back.
I know he gets mad to talk about it because he has said that he's embarrassed about it and ashamed about it. He has said that he was in a bad place and drank too much which caused things to be said and done that wouldn't otherwise. He's embarrassed that he wanted attention from someone other than me so bad, to prove he is still desirable at 30, that he even pushed her to the point of not wanting him anymore. But to me none of this is an excuse for the hurt and betrayal he caused me. I think if it was one act and once I found out he cut all ties and tried to prove his love to me I wouldn't feel this way still. But he kept going behind my back to talk to her and try to see her and tell her things that to this day bring tears to my eyes when I think about it.
I don't know if time will make this better, if I should see a shrink to work through my feelings, or if I should start preparing myself financially to eventually tell him to get out. I want to go back to the time when I was so sure this was my future husband and I felt so secure and happy with him. But I can't, what we had has been damaged and I don't know if I can ever feel that way again. He has done everything he knows how to show me of his faith and love but I still feel like I'm not enough, or that I'm just being settled on because of the kids he doesn't want to lose.
The funny thing is, although it slips into my mind daily it doesn't feel this sad as much as it used to. After I write this I'll probably go back to daily life and not shed another tear over it for weeks, but that's still too many tears I should shed. I am getting sad about Christmas time coming because that's when he physically cheated on me. I shouldn't have to feel sadness about such a joyous holiday for my children and family. I hope that I can find more inner peace and can find my path to happiness, whatever that may be, sooner rather than later. I get scared that I am wasting my time, and I don't want to waste years before realizing what I need to do......but such is life.
Back to work next week, it'll be nice to go back to being around my co-workers again and dressing professional rather than in my pajamas all day. I will miss my baby girl so much but I think going back will be good for me. I think I shall write about it....
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
New Life - Same Past
I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl September 3rd which was 3 weeks before my due date. My boyfriend has been a wonderful father and we've spent alot of time together (since i am on maternity leave now) and all of it has been fun and enjoyable. However, inside of me i feel like nothing has changed in regards to my heartache. I still cry, alone, silently ... Less often but the pain from his betrayal still cuts me deeply.
He recently started a new job & i found myself wondering if he will meet a new "friend" there. I can't live with that fear in my heart everyday, i hate feeling like i could be so easily lied to & fooled. These feelings arent as extreme as they were during my pregnancy though, i am almost numb to them in a sense. I knew that after i gave birth i wouldnt feel so helpless & depressed but i didnt know that i would carry on w/ life as usual w/out much feelings at all about us. Only when i think about it does it hurt so much, but the passion i used to have for him is also numb as well - so most of the time there are no feelings at all.
I keep my strength as a mother & my happiness for my baby girl on the forefront. But inside i feel like if i met a man who moved me in some sense i might just go after my own desires and not hold back anymore. Maybe my one true love is still out there, maybe i was wrong about my boyfriend being the one and maybe love can be like a disney movie w/ a fairytale ending. Not that this scenario is likely but inside i know that his betrayal will never go away & i deserve to feel special and secure. Im just going w/ the motions right now, not dwelling on this pain but not forgetting it either.
The words he said to her still echo in my head - telling her shes comforting to him, that forces have kept them apart, that shes most beautiful au natural, that he misses her - it all just pains my heart to remember. I dont even know the words to express the pain these messages bring me to this day. And ive had conversations w/ this girl as well, she always says it was a mistake & she wishes she could take it back. As does he - but his words & actions since my knowledge of that affair have proven him to be unworthy of any trust from me.
What they both dont understand though is that this may have been a 'mistake' for them but for me it crushed my whole world. This was the man i was sure i was going to marry, that i was so sure loved me, that i thought truly cared about me, that i made part of my family, that i let my son call 'daddy' and in an instant all of that was questioned. Now i feel like i can see what that couldve been like as we spend time together - but in reality im just waiting for whats left of our relationship to finally unravel.
I look at my daughter & she is so beautiful and precious to me and i never want her to feel unworthy or as heartbroken as i have for the past 8 months. I dont want her to think that she should accept heartache and settle like i did for someone who hurts her. I want her to know that her mother is strong and i want her to know her worth.
I dont know what to do but let time take its course. Im not angry enough to kick him to the curb & take his kids away but im not as optimistic enough anymore to think of our future like i used to. Maybe he will continue to try to prove himself & his love to me and in time these wounds will heal. Or maybe i will grow stronger & less attached to him and in time i can say goodbye without regret or hesitation. Its still so strange to me to not be so sure of us and i hope in time i will feel complete happiness and clarity in whatever lover i have. Everybody wants to be loved - i strive to give my children enough love to feel special - and i hope one day i get to feel that love again that makes me feel special. I guess thats the key, what happened made me realize that im not special to him - i could be replaced so easily. There will always be more frenchies, no matter where he works - the question is whether he loves me enough to never cross that line again? Or should not take the risk & stick around another 5 years to find out?
He recently started a new job & i found myself wondering if he will meet a new "friend" there. I can't live with that fear in my heart everyday, i hate feeling like i could be so easily lied to & fooled. These feelings arent as extreme as they were during my pregnancy though, i am almost numb to them in a sense. I knew that after i gave birth i wouldnt feel so helpless & depressed but i didnt know that i would carry on w/ life as usual w/out much feelings at all about us. Only when i think about it does it hurt so much, but the passion i used to have for him is also numb as well - so most of the time there are no feelings at all.
I keep my strength as a mother & my happiness for my baby girl on the forefront. But inside i feel like if i met a man who moved me in some sense i might just go after my own desires and not hold back anymore. Maybe my one true love is still out there, maybe i was wrong about my boyfriend being the one and maybe love can be like a disney movie w/ a fairytale ending. Not that this scenario is likely but inside i know that his betrayal will never go away & i deserve to feel special and secure. Im just going w/ the motions right now, not dwelling on this pain but not forgetting it either.
The words he said to her still echo in my head - telling her shes comforting to him, that forces have kept them apart, that shes most beautiful au natural, that he misses her - it all just pains my heart to remember. I dont even know the words to express the pain these messages bring me to this day. And ive had conversations w/ this girl as well, she always says it was a mistake & she wishes she could take it back. As does he - but his words & actions since my knowledge of that affair have proven him to be unworthy of any trust from me.
What they both dont understand though is that this may have been a 'mistake' for them but for me it crushed my whole world. This was the man i was sure i was going to marry, that i was so sure loved me, that i thought truly cared about me, that i made part of my family, that i let my son call 'daddy' and in an instant all of that was questioned. Now i feel like i can see what that couldve been like as we spend time together - but in reality im just waiting for whats left of our relationship to finally unravel.
I look at my daughter & she is so beautiful and precious to me and i never want her to feel unworthy or as heartbroken as i have for the past 8 months. I dont want her to think that she should accept heartache and settle like i did for someone who hurts her. I want her to know that her mother is strong and i want her to know her worth.
I dont know what to do but let time take its course. Im not angry enough to kick him to the curb & take his kids away but im not as optimistic enough anymore to think of our future like i used to. Maybe he will continue to try to prove himself & his love to me and in time these wounds will heal. Or maybe i will grow stronger & less attached to him and in time i can say goodbye without regret or hesitation. Its still so strange to me to not be so sure of us and i hope in time i will feel complete happiness and clarity in whatever lover i have. Everybody wants to be loved - i strive to give my children enough love to feel special - and i hope one day i get to feel that love again that makes me feel special. I guess thats the key, what happened made me realize that im not special to him - i could be replaced so easily. There will always be more frenchies, no matter where he works - the question is whether he loves me enough to never cross that line again? Or should not take the risk & stick around another 5 years to find out?
Friday, August 19, 2011
Never Gonna End
In recent news i have caught them talking several times & have just become so down that i cant even hold my head up and try to make a new friend or have a conversation. I wrote him a letter & id like to share it:
Havent wrote in awhile. I been feeling very depressed. I am so emotional & nothing gets me feeling more upset and depressed & angry than all you did to me. Today It got explosive, & you said "we're not meant to be together" . It struck something in me.
I will never say were not meant to be together, because i've always believed we are. I do think we need time apart though, this whole thing is driving me crazy. It is not good to put my kids through this. I need to let go .... im so scared to because i love you so much & i dont know if we will find our way back to eachother. Im so angry about what youvdid & when you did it ... I cant let it go. I still dont know how u can see me in such pain & then continue to talk to her behind my back while saying ur worthy of trust. & im so confused, i desperately want you to stay but the pain i feel inside kills me & i want you to know that pain so i constantly show it to you. Its ugly. I dont like being an ugly person, i think i need to heal alone.
Everything has been building up in me & its driving me crazy w/ emotion. I already have a huge life changing event coming with stellas arrival & the sadness & anger i feel about you is causing me to be very overwhelmed. I lost myself somewhere. This has changed me and i need to gain some sanity & clarity right now. I dont know how to handle everything right now. Im slipping away to the anger, sadness, regret, shame, fear, & heartache.
I dont know when or how i'll find peace but i need to. Inside of me is pure emotional turmoil & it feels terrible all the time. I dont bring this up 70% of the time i think of it, but my mind is always on it. Its also hard not knowing if the pregnancy is bringing these feelings to extremes.
I want to be with you but i need to feel confident in myself & know that you truly want to be with me. I doubt it when you say you do now, i feel like if it werent for stella you wouldve left. I need to look forward to our future again instead of dwelling on the past. I need to find myself again instead of being depressed. And i really need to forgive you.
I dont know if you will ever decide on me as your lady but i think i need to let u make that decision instead of holding on to u so tightly when inside i feel so badly .... I hope that u see in me what it is you fell in love with, and i need to see that in me as well ... Ive never felt so scared in my life about the life changes ahead both w/ u & stella ... I guess i looked at you as my protector & your the one who hurt me so badly during this time in our lives, it feels so devastating and i want u see my pain ... I want you to figure out if you really want to be with me, i kno that ive been miserable to be around lately ...
And i think if we are honest & open we will find happiness & content in our family & ourselves ... I love you more than you will ever know, & no matter what i will always love you. I love everything about you ... i love your humor, i love your scent, i love your touch, i love your mind, i love you as a father, i love how u do things to show u care, i love your kisses, i love your smile, i love our conversations, i love how passionate you can be, and through all the tough times we've been through i still love you more than the world....i will always love you.
I need you to know that, my love for you is pure...there are no other intentions. I know you better than anybody, you are like family to me. i hope you still have that love for me inside. I dont want things between us to get so ugly because of the life circumstances surrounding us...i need help in understanding how we can get what we need to make the biggest decision in our childrens lives. I know it will devastate landon to lose you, & with school coming up i'd like to prevent him from starting school w/ anger or hurt inside. I think we should use next week to spend a few days apart, i want you to be sure about me as much as i want to be sure about you.
And thats what i wrote him, he never wrote back but told me he cares...i just dont know anymore, 34 days till baby Stella arrives :). Maybe ill start to balance out more then.
Havent wrote in awhile. I been feeling very depressed. I am so emotional & nothing gets me feeling more upset and depressed & angry than all you did to me. Today It got explosive, & you said "we're not meant to be together" . It struck something in me.
I will never say were not meant to be together, because i've always believed we are. I do think we need time apart though, this whole thing is driving me crazy. It is not good to put my kids through this. I need to let go .... im so scared to because i love you so much & i dont know if we will find our way back to eachother. Im so angry about what youvdid & when you did it ... I cant let it go. I still dont know how u can see me in such pain & then continue to talk to her behind my back while saying ur worthy of trust. & im so confused, i desperately want you to stay but the pain i feel inside kills me & i want you to know that pain so i constantly show it to you. Its ugly. I dont like being an ugly person, i think i need to heal alone.
Everything has been building up in me & its driving me crazy w/ emotion. I already have a huge life changing event coming with stellas arrival & the sadness & anger i feel about you is causing me to be very overwhelmed. I lost myself somewhere. This has changed me and i need to gain some sanity & clarity right now. I dont know how to handle everything right now. Im slipping away to the anger, sadness, regret, shame, fear, & heartache.
I dont know when or how i'll find peace but i need to. Inside of me is pure emotional turmoil & it feels terrible all the time. I dont bring this up 70% of the time i think of it, but my mind is always on it. Its also hard not knowing if the pregnancy is bringing these feelings to extremes.
I want to be with you but i need to feel confident in myself & know that you truly want to be with me. I doubt it when you say you do now, i feel like if it werent for stella you wouldve left. I need to look forward to our future again instead of dwelling on the past. I need to find myself again instead of being depressed. And i really need to forgive you.
I dont know if you will ever decide on me as your lady but i think i need to let u make that decision instead of holding on to u so tightly when inside i feel so badly .... I hope that u see in me what it is you fell in love with, and i need to see that in me as well ... Ive never felt so scared in my life about the life changes ahead both w/ u & stella ... I guess i looked at you as my protector & your the one who hurt me so badly during this time in our lives, it feels so devastating and i want u see my pain ... I want you to figure out if you really want to be with me, i kno that ive been miserable to be around lately ...
And i think if we are honest & open we will find happiness & content in our family & ourselves ... I love you more than you will ever know, & no matter what i will always love you. I love everything about you ... i love your humor, i love your scent, i love your touch, i love your mind, i love you as a father, i love how u do things to show u care, i love your kisses, i love your smile, i love our conversations, i love how passionate you can be, and through all the tough times we've been through i still love you more than the world....i will always love you.
I need you to know that, my love for you is pure...there are no other intentions. I know you better than anybody, you are like family to me. i hope you still have that love for me inside. I dont want things between us to get so ugly because of the life circumstances surrounding us...i need help in understanding how we can get what we need to make the biggest decision in our childrens lives. I know it will devastate landon to lose you, & with school coming up i'd like to prevent him from starting school w/ anger or hurt inside. I think we should use next week to spend a few days apart, i want you to be sure about me as much as i want to be sure about you.
And thats what i wrote him, he never wrote back but told me he cares...i just dont know anymore, 34 days till baby Stella arrives :). Maybe ill start to balance out more then.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
The Beginning of the End
Well, I have tried my hardest to work this out; to communicate, to stop crying & being angry, and to be more loving. I stopped checking his phone because he deletes everything anyways but I had a bad feeling for a few days so when I saw it one morning charging I looked. Here we go again, this is from him to Frenchie:
"What hospital? May I come and see you?
Hello? I txtd dana when you told me change of plans. She said she was told that you were fine when you left. I didn't tell her anythin about what you said. If this is ur way of telling me to fuck off tonight then I guess I'll have to take that but I hope its not. How come you won't tell me which hospital so I can see you?
I mean if its david or some other guy who surprised you and decided to take you out tonight then you can tell me. Instead I'm worrying my ass off at work and can't even thing straight but you won't answer so I'm just horse shit in ur mind tonight.
I just read my txts and I feel horrible. I was really really really looking forward to spend some time w you tonight. I was so very excited to see you. Then was deflated once you told me what's going on and instantly my defense mode kicked in. I trully appologize. Hate me if you like. I just miss you and tonight would have been the night to hang w you. Be safe. Get well. You are (always) in my thoughts."
Immediately I sent her a nasty, threatening text. In retrospect that was foolish of me because her & I both know that this man doesn't love me or he wouldn't do this.
When I confronted him about this the lies spewed out like they had already been prepared. She texted him that she was in the hospital & he was worried, he just misses her friendship, this is the first time they talked since the last time I caught them...blah blah blah. I might be a fool for him but I am not an idiot.
When I told him about my text to her his emotions and anger went up ten fold. "SHES IN THE HOSPITAL, SHES STRAPPED TO A BED, HER CANCER CAME BACK (can I call triple BULLSHIT on that one? fuckin retarded lie), SHES A NICE PERSON....blah blah blah. This is almost too painful to relive. Here I am, the woman who has been by his side for 5 years and never did him wrong. I am the woman who has cried millions of tears for him, swallowed my pride for him, folded his clothes, took out loans in my name to pay for bills he couldn't, bought his cigarettes, and most of all I am currently carrying his unborn child. I am a nice person. The knife he drove into my heart at this moment caused a wound too big to heal.
I realized that this man does not love me and I cannot be with him. This is certainly one of the most painful self-truths you will ever have. I never doubted that this man was my future husband, that he woulds always love me & be there for me. The pain triples when I think of the moment I have to tell my 5 year old son that his father and I will not be together anymore.
I am so angry that I gave him so many chances to make this right & he didn't care. He disrespected me and our family by ignoring my pain and selfishly doing what he wanted. This man does not love me. We are forever changed & I can't turn back the hands of time.
I told him this morning that we need to figure out the child/living situation because I now know that we will never work out. He gave me his word (which doesn't mean much anymore) that he wouldn't abandon me pregnant or with 2 small children. I cannot afford to live on my own, we have to live together until I get my tax return & can find a cheaper place. It's so strange that we mothers immediately go into survival mode even though everything is crumbling around us.
Grieving this relationship that was filled with such joy and love is very hard. I dreamt of the day that he would propose to me, I now know that will never happen. I don't know if I'll ever get married. The thought of ever dating again makes me nauseous, I'm not cut out for that. For now I need to find peace in knowing that I am going to begin a new chapter in my life as a single mother. Preparing to say that final goodbye is gutwrenching.
Will I ever be happy again? Will I find inner peace and joy in being a mother & not a lover or wife?
"What hospital? May I come and see you?
Hello? I txtd dana when you told me change of plans. She said she was told that you were fine when you left. I didn't tell her anythin about what you said. If this is ur way of telling me to fuck off tonight then I guess I'll have to take that but I hope its not. How come you won't tell me which hospital so I can see you?
I mean if its david or some other guy who surprised you and decided to take you out tonight then you can tell me. Instead I'm worrying my ass off at work and can't even thing straight but you won't answer so I'm just horse shit in ur mind tonight.
I just read my txts and I feel horrible. I was really really really looking forward to spend some time w you tonight. I was so very excited to see you. Then was deflated once you told me what's going on and instantly my defense mode kicked in. I trully appologize. Hate me if you like. I just miss you and tonight would have been the night to hang w you. Be safe. Get well. You are (always) in my thoughts."
Immediately I sent her a nasty, threatening text. In retrospect that was foolish of me because her & I both know that this man doesn't love me or he wouldn't do this.
When I confronted him about this the lies spewed out like they had already been prepared. She texted him that she was in the hospital & he was worried, he just misses her friendship, this is the first time they talked since the last time I caught them...blah blah blah. I might be a fool for him but I am not an idiot.
When I told him about my text to her his emotions and anger went up ten fold. "SHES IN THE HOSPITAL, SHES STRAPPED TO A BED, HER CANCER CAME BACK (can I call triple BULLSHIT on that one? fuckin retarded lie), SHES A NICE PERSON....blah blah blah. This is almost too painful to relive. Here I am, the woman who has been by his side for 5 years and never did him wrong. I am the woman who has cried millions of tears for him, swallowed my pride for him, folded his clothes, took out loans in my name to pay for bills he couldn't, bought his cigarettes, and most of all I am currently carrying his unborn child. I am a nice person. The knife he drove into my heart at this moment caused a wound too big to heal.
I realized that this man does not love me and I cannot be with him. This is certainly one of the most painful self-truths you will ever have. I never doubted that this man was my future husband, that he woulds always love me & be there for me. The pain triples when I think of the moment I have to tell my 5 year old son that his father and I will not be together anymore.
I am so angry that I gave him so many chances to make this right & he didn't care. He disrespected me and our family by ignoring my pain and selfishly doing what he wanted. This man does not love me. We are forever changed & I can't turn back the hands of time.
I told him this morning that we need to figure out the child/living situation because I now know that we will never work out. He gave me his word (which doesn't mean much anymore) that he wouldn't abandon me pregnant or with 2 small children. I cannot afford to live on my own, we have to live together until I get my tax return & can find a cheaper place. It's so strange that we mothers immediately go into survival mode even though everything is crumbling around us.
Grieving this relationship that was filled with such joy and love is very hard. I dreamt of the day that he would propose to me, I now know that will never happen. I don't know if I'll ever get married. The thought of ever dating again makes me nauseous, I'm not cut out for that. For now I need to find peace in knowing that I am going to begin a new chapter in my life as a single mother. Preparing to say that final goodbye is gutwrenching.
Will I ever be happy again? Will I find inner peace and joy in being a mother & not a lover or wife?
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Confused...
Well I haven't written in awhile but alot has happened....
We found out that we are having a baby girl.
My birthday came & went...I did not receive a gift or even a card.
Mother's Day came & went....I did not receive a gift or even a card.
While these both hurt me very much it didn't hurt as much as seeing that my boyfriend was still talking to this girl or as much as when he finally revealed a little honesty to me.
My boyfriend is the type of guy who will lie until you have concrete proof, I cannot talk to him about anything (even things I already know about) because he will just look me in my eyes and lie. I have kept alot of things inside because I just dont feel like hearing his lies nor do I have the energy to fight with him. I feel like he is 2 different people, he is the family man when he is home with us but at night he is a chef who drinks after work and parties like a teenager with girls 10 years younger than him. He comes home at 3am, he takes prescription pills from co-workers, he flirts with any one who will give him the attention. I recently saw a text between him & a waitress where he repeatedly asked if she was naked & tried to get together with her at 2am. As a woman who is 6 months pregnant this is having a very depressing effect on me, I'm trapped all summer in this baby vessel while all the girls younger than me wear thier tans and booty shorts. I just need some affection, not because I'm here & no one else took the bait - but because you love me & think I'm still beautiful & want to touch me and have this intimate experience while our child is growing inside me. The hurt in my heart is overwhelming at times, it is hard to function normally some days because I feel so un-important, un-loved, and very disrespected.
This night after the text message (since I had concrete proof) he felt bold enough to actually be honest with me and as much as it hurts I really needed that. We have been together almost 5 years and he basically told me that he doesn't think we are supposed to be together. He also said that he doesn't know what love is or how to love someone. But we had almost 4 wonderful years, everyday he touched me and told me I was beautiful, everyday I felt his passion towards me, everyday I felt loved and special, and everyday I was lifted up. He said he's felt like this for months because we fight alot, well yea when you start seeing other women and not helping me with the house or bills there will be fighting! NOW I'm fighting for his love and affection and honesty - I desperately want to see some passion or remorse or love from him. I'm tired of feeling like I should stay silent, just cook, clean, & keep the pain deep inside - just keep the peace so he doesn't think any worse of me. I guess I don't know the best way to handle this situation, I am overwhelmed. At the same time he is not the best at communication - you have to force conversations that involve feelings or anything real.
He said that he cares very deeply for me but he does not love me anymore because he doesn't know what love is. As a man who recently turned 30 I do not know if this is some strange "mid-life" crisis but the fact that he is trying to find some meaning, destiny or inner peace (in all the wrong places, that comes from within, not from sexual escapades or meaningless friendships through alcohol) says to me that he has hit a moment in life when he doesn't want to grow older and stagnant.
He also said that night that he grew up without a father and that we HAVE to make this work for the kids. He didn't say that he's sorry for all the pain he's caused me, for the holidays he let pass without anything to make me special, for the lies he's told... or that he WANTS to make this work - I have become a responsibility, a chore - not a beautiful woman that he is in love with. It is hard to feel like I am not special, I just happened to get pregnant with his child. I understand that no relationship is perfect but every woman wants a man who truly loves them, who has eyes only for them, who makes them feel special and wanted. I also don't think I can work full time, raise my kids, and then accept him getting to live this double life at night when I am home with the kids. That is not fair to me to provide you with a clean home, clean clothes, groceries in the fridge, a life with your children, and a live in sex doll at your leisure while you do what you want or even who you want. You cannot have your cake and eat it too here - I'm a woman, not your bitch. I want to be a man's one & only - not his number one of many.
As much as this hurts and as scared as I am to raise 2 kids alone I just do not think that I can accept this proposal of staying together for the kids. I understand that my life mission and goal now should be providing for my children and ensuring thier happiness but I don't think that means that I don't deserve to find my own happiness anymore. He said that it is our kids turn now to grow and live life and that our time is done - we don't matter anymore, finding our own happiness is no longer an option. I am 26 years old & normally a very attractive woman when I'm not haggard looking from crying everyday, lacking sleep and blown up from pregnancy. I do know in my heart that at some time if I leave I will find a man who will love, appreciate, and adore me. The fear in this lies in the fact that I now have 2 children from 2 different men (& you can tell, they are not white - one is half latino & this baby will be half filipino). I could buy a range rover & act like Angelina Jolie, foreign looking kids are in right?!
But in all seriousness I also know that times have changed, this is not the 50s, lots of single people have children and therefore many people are open to it and enjoy blending thier families. It is not my ideal situation but if I'm still not loved and treated the way I should be by the time this lease is up I think I may need to follow my own heart and begin this journey in life alone. The thought of this pains me very much, I wanted desperately to marry this man, to plan family vacations together, to buy a house together, paint it together, get a family dog together, and grow old making jokes on the back porch while drinking a margarita together. Children are very resilient though, if they still see thier father and grow up thinking this normal it will not affect them negatively. I am a very active mother, we go to the park, the zoo, the beach, the museum, local festivals - I think that my kids can still live an enriching life with me alone - thier father works most nights anyways so I am the one here alone already.
It is all too much right now though, thinking about it can give me strength at times but I still feel so weak. I'm pregnant & cannot make any moves right now -but maybe that is a good thing. It gives me time to gain some clarity, understanding, and self-worth. This whole thing has made me feel so worthless, am I not worldly enough? Experienced enough? Interesting enough? Poetic enough? Am I attractive enough? There are many doubts about myself and my worth and I need to find the peace within myself to know that I AM enough and no one should make me feel differently. Right now I am depressed beyond belief, I just want some affection, some love, a touch that isn't sexual but has meaning - I want to feel special so bad it hurts. I want to get kissed without asking for it again, I want him to feel passion for me again, I want to smile again without forcing it but most of all I really wish he could love me again. I don't know how to get him to see my worth and fall in love with me again - this whole thing has made me so nervous around him I don't know what to say because I don't want to say anything that cements his notion that someone else is more interesting.
Today is a family day - of course he is sleeping in late & I won't say anything about that in my fear of losing what little attention & affection I still get - but I'm glad to get this off my mind so I can try to have a somewhat normal today without my mind in several places at once. With him now instead of being happy & carefree I wonder if he looks at me now & finds me unattractive, if he thinks I'm boring, if he's seen the acne on my face, if he wishes he were with someone else, if my breath stinks, if he's embarrassed to be with me, if he's thinking of someone else, if I should try to get some affection or just keep my distance - and when he never initiates any affection I get so much anxiety and pain as to why. Mentally, I torture myself now. I hope that this goes away with time, if he never loves me again I hope I can grow less & less concerned about every detail and in turn gain the strength to find my own happiness. I hope that I can be strong enough to make it through this - everyday has become an internal struggle now for me.
Here's to losing at Jungle Golf today but I will try to not lose my mind as well :)
We found out that we are having a baby girl.
My birthday came & went...I did not receive a gift or even a card.
Mother's Day came & went....I did not receive a gift or even a card.
While these both hurt me very much it didn't hurt as much as seeing that my boyfriend was still talking to this girl or as much as when he finally revealed a little honesty to me.
My boyfriend is the type of guy who will lie until you have concrete proof, I cannot talk to him about anything (even things I already know about) because he will just look me in my eyes and lie. I have kept alot of things inside because I just dont feel like hearing his lies nor do I have the energy to fight with him. I feel like he is 2 different people, he is the family man when he is home with us but at night he is a chef who drinks after work and parties like a teenager with girls 10 years younger than him. He comes home at 3am, he takes prescription pills from co-workers, he flirts with any one who will give him the attention. I recently saw a text between him & a waitress where he repeatedly asked if she was naked & tried to get together with her at 2am. As a woman who is 6 months pregnant this is having a very depressing effect on me, I'm trapped all summer in this baby vessel while all the girls younger than me wear thier tans and booty shorts. I just need some affection, not because I'm here & no one else took the bait - but because you love me & think I'm still beautiful & want to touch me and have this intimate experience while our child is growing inside me. The hurt in my heart is overwhelming at times, it is hard to function normally some days because I feel so un-important, un-loved, and very disrespected.
This night after the text message (since I had concrete proof) he felt bold enough to actually be honest with me and as much as it hurts I really needed that. We have been together almost 5 years and he basically told me that he doesn't think we are supposed to be together. He also said that he doesn't know what love is or how to love someone. But we had almost 4 wonderful years, everyday he touched me and told me I was beautiful, everyday I felt his passion towards me, everyday I felt loved and special, and everyday I was lifted up. He said he's felt like this for months because we fight alot, well yea when you start seeing other women and not helping me with the house or bills there will be fighting! NOW I'm fighting for his love and affection and honesty - I desperately want to see some passion or remorse or love from him. I'm tired of feeling like I should stay silent, just cook, clean, & keep the pain deep inside - just keep the peace so he doesn't think any worse of me. I guess I don't know the best way to handle this situation, I am overwhelmed. At the same time he is not the best at communication - you have to force conversations that involve feelings or anything real.
He said that he cares very deeply for me but he does not love me anymore because he doesn't know what love is. As a man who recently turned 30 I do not know if this is some strange "mid-life" crisis but the fact that he is trying to find some meaning, destiny or inner peace (in all the wrong places, that comes from within, not from sexual escapades or meaningless friendships through alcohol) says to me that he has hit a moment in life when he doesn't want to grow older and stagnant.
He also said that night that he grew up without a father and that we HAVE to make this work for the kids. He didn't say that he's sorry for all the pain he's caused me, for the holidays he let pass without anything to make me special, for the lies he's told... or that he WANTS to make this work - I have become a responsibility, a chore - not a beautiful woman that he is in love with. It is hard to feel like I am not special, I just happened to get pregnant with his child. I understand that no relationship is perfect but every woman wants a man who truly loves them, who has eyes only for them, who makes them feel special and wanted. I also don't think I can work full time, raise my kids, and then accept him getting to live this double life at night when I am home with the kids. That is not fair to me to provide you with a clean home, clean clothes, groceries in the fridge, a life with your children, and a live in sex doll at your leisure while you do what you want or even who you want. You cannot have your cake and eat it too here - I'm a woman, not your bitch. I want to be a man's one & only - not his number one of many.
As much as this hurts and as scared as I am to raise 2 kids alone I just do not think that I can accept this proposal of staying together for the kids. I understand that my life mission and goal now should be providing for my children and ensuring thier happiness but I don't think that means that I don't deserve to find my own happiness anymore. He said that it is our kids turn now to grow and live life and that our time is done - we don't matter anymore, finding our own happiness is no longer an option. I am 26 years old & normally a very attractive woman when I'm not haggard looking from crying everyday, lacking sleep and blown up from pregnancy. I do know in my heart that at some time if I leave I will find a man who will love, appreciate, and adore me. The fear in this lies in the fact that I now have 2 children from 2 different men (& you can tell, they are not white - one is half latino & this baby will be half filipino). I could buy a range rover & act like Angelina Jolie, foreign looking kids are in right?!
But in all seriousness I also know that times have changed, this is not the 50s, lots of single people have children and therefore many people are open to it and enjoy blending thier families. It is not my ideal situation but if I'm still not loved and treated the way I should be by the time this lease is up I think I may need to follow my own heart and begin this journey in life alone. The thought of this pains me very much, I wanted desperately to marry this man, to plan family vacations together, to buy a house together, paint it together, get a family dog together, and grow old making jokes on the back porch while drinking a margarita together. Children are very resilient though, if they still see thier father and grow up thinking this normal it will not affect them negatively. I am a very active mother, we go to the park, the zoo, the beach, the museum, local festivals - I think that my kids can still live an enriching life with me alone - thier father works most nights anyways so I am the one here alone already.
It is all too much right now though, thinking about it can give me strength at times but I still feel so weak. I'm pregnant & cannot make any moves right now -but maybe that is a good thing. It gives me time to gain some clarity, understanding, and self-worth. This whole thing has made me feel so worthless, am I not worldly enough? Experienced enough? Interesting enough? Poetic enough? Am I attractive enough? There are many doubts about myself and my worth and I need to find the peace within myself to know that I AM enough and no one should make me feel differently. Right now I am depressed beyond belief, I just want some affection, some love, a touch that isn't sexual but has meaning - I want to feel special so bad it hurts. I want to get kissed without asking for it again, I want him to feel passion for me again, I want to smile again without forcing it but most of all I really wish he could love me again. I don't know how to get him to see my worth and fall in love with me again - this whole thing has made me so nervous around him I don't know what to say because I don't want to say anything that cements his notion that someone else is more interesting.
Today is a family day - of course he is sleeping in late & I won't say anything about that in my fear of losing what little attention & affection I still get - but I'm glad to get this off my mind so I can try to have a somewhat normal today without my mind in several places at once. With him now instead of being happy & carefree I wonder if he looks at me now & finds me unattractive, if he thinks I'm boring, if he's seen the acne on my face, if he wishes he were with someone else, if my breath stinks, if he's embarrassed to be with me, if he's thinking of someone else, if I should try to get some affection or just keep my distance - and when he never initiates any affection I get so much anxiety and pain as to why. Mentally, I torture myself now. I hope that this goes away with time, if he never loves me again I hope I can grow less & less concerned about every detail and in turn gain the strength to find my own happiness. I hope that I can be strong enough to make it through this - everyday has become an internal struggle now for me.
Here's to losing at Jungle Golf today but I will try to not lose my mind as well :)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The Devil
So since my boyfriend's phone is his shadow he sleeps with it under his pillow, of course (oh, that's not normal?). And in his exhaustion after tossing & turning it ended up practically in my hands while he snored away. Being the respectful woman that I am, of course I had to look and see if anything had continued.
Sure enough, the very first text was her number .... her name has already been deleted from the phone. It said:
"Well I'm glad to hear that everything is going well"
That was it. No previous texts that I could see, nothing else. My heart sank even though these words were non-incriminating I'd prefer to heal without her having any communication with my boyfriend. He has supposedly cut her off completely. I threw the phone at him while he was asleep in anger.
After waking up to my rage over this he said that she just asked him how things are at his new restaurant out of the blue and he replied because he is "too nice". He also said she asked him if they could just be friends and he said no......Ok, I'm still stuck at WHY THE HELL ARE THEY TALKING AFTER ALL THAT HAPPENED?! If he is telling the truth then I have some impeccable damn timing to see that the one day, since this came all out, that I have looked at his phone.
Regardless he's really trying to tell me he's sorry and that he loves me, he's not acting like a pimp or anything. I just feel like everything is a lie now, I feel very skeptical. It is very hard for me to believe anything he says. I am trying but I just can't open my heart up after all it's been through lately and I have become mostly very angry.
I read that 85% of men who cheat say they did not care for the other woman, nor did they think the other woman was more attractive than their wives. The other woman just happened to be at the right place, at the right time and with the right desperation or desire. It also said men cheat to boost their self esteem which was why my boyfriend said he did it. She was all about him and making him feel good while I was texting him about rent, vet appointments, bounced daycare checks, and our ant problem. Doesn't seem very fair to me....things were very tight and stressful at home. He was supposed to be my partner and help me through those times.
I don't know if getting angry thinking about the past in retrospect will help me but it certainly is a part of my process right now. My healing process has just begun but I do think I can be happy again, I just don't know which path leads to that just yet.
Sure enough, the very first text was her number .... her name has already been deleted from the phone. It said:
"Well I'm glad to hear that everything is going well"
That was it. No previous texts that I could see, nothing else. My heart sank even though these words were non-incriminating I'd prefer to heal without her having any communication with my boyfriend. He has supposedly cut her off completely. I threw the phone at him while he was asleep in anger.
After waking up to my rage over this he said that she just asked him how things are at his new restaurant out of the blue and he replied because he is "too nice". He also said she asked him if they could just be friends and he said no......Ok, I'm still stuck at WHY THE HELL ARE THEY TALKING AFTER ALL THAT HAPPENED?! If he is telling the truth then I have some impeccable damn timing to see that the one day, since this came all out, that I have looked at his phone.
Regardless he's really trying to tell me he's sorry and that he loves me, he's not acting like a pimp or anything. I just feel like everything is a lie now, I feel very skeptical. It is very hard for me to believe anything he says. I am trying but I just can't open my heart up after all it's been through lately and I have become mostly very angry.
I read that 85% of men who cheat say they did not care for the other woman, nor did they think the other woman was more attractive than their wives. The other woman just happened to be at the right place, at the right time and with the right desperation or desire. It also said men cheat to boost their self esteem which was why my boyfriend said he did it. She was all about him and making him feel good while I was texting him about rent, vet appointments, bounced daycare checks, and our ant problem. Doesn't seem very fair to me....things were very tight and stressful at home. He was supposed to be my partner and help me through those times.
I don't know if getting angry thinking about the past in retrospect will help me but it certainly is a part of my process right now. My healing process has just begun but I do think I can be happy again, I just don't know which path leads to that just yet.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Superwoman
As well as being completely distraught & betrayed; I am 5 months pregnant and a mother to a 5 year old boy. I cannot just lie down and cry all the time. My boyfriend is an executive chef & this week he hasn't been home since Tuesday night.....and I don't really mind that right now.....but it just means my workload is even larger at home. Today on my Saturday off I took my son to a classmates birthday party, dyed easter eggs with him, put together a patio table (true, & was very bad on the back!), and we baked a cake for easter together. Spending quality time with my son is the most fullfilling thing I can experience in life, pretty much the only thing that makes me feel really good right now.
I have thinking alot about how much my "man" really loves me.....Is there somebody else out there who would love me more? Who would always be true? Who would always feel so grateful just to have me?
In the fairy tale sense of true love, yes there is. But in real life I have 2 children, from 2 seperate fathers, and the thought of finding a man who would not only love me but both my children seems so impossible.
Maybe I should focus on what's best for me and accepting the fact that I might just be alone for a very long time.....it's just so hard when your with the one you truly love and they tell you constantly now how much they love you. But can I ever feel secure in a relationship that has already been this broken? My heart hurts everyday, tears stream down my face everyday, I fake a smile everyday now & I cannot live this way forever either. I feel like, even though I've done nothing wrong, I have a huge decision to make....the lesser of 2 evils. Sometimes I wish he would've just left me, it would be hurtful but I'll learn to live rather than having to make this decision myself......
I have thinking alot about how much my "man" really loves me.....Is there somebody else out there who would love me more? Who would always be true? Who would always feel so grateful just to have me?
In the fairy tale sense of true love, yes there is. But in real life I have 2 children, from 2 seperate fathers, and the thought of finding a man who would not only love me but both my children seems so impossible.
Maybe I should focus on what's best for me and accepting the fact that I might just be alone for a very long time.....it's just so hard when your with the one you truly love and they tell you constantly now how much they love you. But can I ever feel secure in a relationship that has already been this broken? My heart hurts everyday, tears stream down my face everyday, I fake a smile everyday now & I cannot live this way forever either. I feel like, even though I've done nothing wrong, I have a huge decision to make....the lesser of 2 evils. Sometimes I wish he would've just left me, it would be hurtful but I'll learn to live rather than having to make this decision myself......
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