As well as being completely distraught & betrayed; I am 5 months pregnant and a mother to a 5 year old boy. I cannot just lie down and cry all the time. My boyfriend is an executive chef & this week he hasn't been home since Tuesday night.....and I don't really mind that right now.....but it just means my workload is even larger at home. Today on my Saturday off I took my son to a classmates birthday party, dyed easter eggs with him, put together a patio table (true, & was very bad on the back!), and we baked a cake for easter together. Spending quality time with my son is the most fullfilling thing I can experience in life, pretty much the only thing that makes me feel really good right now.
I have thinking alot about how much my "man" really loves me.....Is there somebody else out there who would love me more? Who would always be true? Who would always feel so grateful just to have me?
In the fairy tale sense of true love, yes there is. But in real life I have 2 children, from 2 seperate fathers, and the thought of finding a man who would not only love me but both my children seems so impossible.
Maybe I should focus on what's best for me and accepting the fact that I might just be alone for a very long time.....it's just so hard when your with the one you truly love and they tell you constantly now how much they love you. But can I ever feel secure in a relationship that has already been this broken? My heart hurts everyday, tears stream down my face everyday, I fake a smile everyday now & I cannot live this way forever either. I feel like, even though I've done nothing wrong, I have a huge decision to make....the lesser of 2 evils. Sometimes I wish he would've just left me, it would be hurtful but I'll learn to live rather than having to make this decision myself......
*knocks on door* Can I come in? ;)
ReplyDeleteI found your blog after you started to follow mine (thank you). I've read all your posts and I have to say that my heart goes out to you. I also wanted to urge you to not pretend, if the two of you have decided to stay together than you need to be real with him on the way you feel. He needs to know that you are still feeling very betrayed and that he needs to work on proving to you that he is faithful and determined in spending the rest of his life with you. Keep those lines of communication open, your silence will only allow those negative feeling to be at the forethought of your mind.
Also, I just wanted to mention that there is a great website called GuySpeak that talks about like situations from a male's perspective. Search the archives for like situations or submit a question...it might help you with these questions that you are facing.
Best of luck and well wishes.
Thank you, you have no idea how much that means to me :) I'm definetly not keeping anything in but no matter what he says it never feels any better sometimes. Maybe its still too new or maybe its my pregnancy hormones causing this to become multiplied in emotion.
ReplyDeleteIf I wasn't pregnant I think I would've left but at this point I feel a little trapped, both in my pregnant body and new home I can't afford by myself. I figured I'd try to work through this for the baby but if I can't live without fear or confidence then I'll need to move on anyways somehow.
I have never experienced anything like this before and I think I started this blog to talk to myself more about this. While also attempting to get feedback from others and finding my way. There are so many questions that only I can answer now and I need to figure out what would make me happiest.
I hope you continue to read and see me grow :)