The Devil

So since my boyfriend's phone is his shadow he sleeps with it under his pillow, of course (oh, that's not normal?).  And in his exhaustion after tossing & turning it ended up practically in my hands while he snored away.  Being the respectful woman that I am, of course I had to look and see if anything had continued. 

Sure enough, the very first text was her number .... her name has already been deleted from the phone.  It said:

"Well I'm glad to hear that everything is going well"

That was it.  No previous texts that I could see, nothing else.  My heart sank even though these words were non-incriminating I'd prefer to heal without her having any communication with my boyfriend.  He has supposedly cut her off completely.  I threw the phone at him while he was asleep in anger.

After waking up to my rage over this he said that she just asked him how things are at his new restaurant out of the blue and he replied because he is "too nice".  He also said she asked him if they could just be friends and he said no......Ok, I'm still stuck at WHY THE HELL ARE THEY TALKING AFTER ALL THAT HAPPENED?!  If he is telling the truth then I have some impeccable damn timing to see that the one day, since this came all out, that I have looked at his phone.

Regardless he's really trying to tell me he's sorry and that he loves me, he's not acting like a pimp or anything.  I just feel like everything is a lie now, I feel very skeptical.  It is very hard for me to believe anything he says.  I am trying but I just can't open my heart up after all it's been through lately and I have become mostly very angry.

I read that 85% of men who cheat say they did not care for the other woman, nor did they think the other woman was more attractive than their wives.  The other woman just happened to be at the right place, at the right time and with the right desperation or desire.  It also said men cheat to boost their self esteem which was why my boyfriend said he did it.  She was all about him and making him feel good while I was texting him about rent, vet appointments, bounced daycare checks, and our ant problem.  Doesn't seem very fair to me....things were very tight and stressful at home.  He was supposed to be my partner and help me through those times.

I don't know if getting angry thinking about the past in retrospect will help me but it certainly is a part of my process right now.  My healing process has just begun but I do think I can be happy again, I just don't  know which path leads to that just yet.