What am I doing here?
I have decided to make this blog a very personal one so that I may navigate through the shit storm that has become my love life. In short, I am a mother who is 4 months pregnant with my second child. I just found out recently that my boyfriend of 5 years recently cheated on me as well as developed an emotional affair with this woman, whom we shall call "Frenchie". She gets this name because of her obsession with the French language, culture, and country.
I was supposed to marry this man. I am pregnant with his child. Suddenly everything I knew changed.
Now this affair was nothing my boyfriend ever confessed to me, he lied so much about Frenchie that she became: Gay (yea...I don't why I believed that one), a dying Cancer Patient, a girl with no friends (she has over 1,000 facebook friends though), a potential friend for me, a potential babysitter for my son, and a victim of the world basically. I thought he was going to tell me that she was in the Make a Wish Foundation & her wish was a date with him! Things were getting shady...
Then I saw it.
A love letter detailing her feelings for him & how far this relationship has gone. It also spoke of me negatively, calling me "The Fair Weather girlfriend" .... That's how I got my blog title. I have the letter here for you all to read how deep this got, feel free to show me anything I may have missed in this confession of a mistress:
"You went to sleep. Or said you were going to. I didn't. I stayed up
and wrote. And I'm sending it to you. I want you to read it...
SUN 27 MAR 2011 / MON 28 MAR 2011
So.
The honest truth? All the things I don't say?
I think you're incredible. I really do.
You're smart, funny, passionate, intelligent, perceptive, adaptable,
creative, motivated, patient, talented; you smile easily, you work
hard, you never give up, you think on your feet. You have a constant
desire to know, learn, be more and a refusal to sink to others' levels
despite their best efforts to create company for their misery. You are
a born teacher and a born leader precisely because you view both as
sharing what you have with people around you, not below you.
I love that you see the good and the potential in all people. I
respect and admire your love for so many things - food, people,
culture, photography, road trips, music… just to name a few.
On good days, I am nothing but smiles. God, how lucky I am to have
someone so amazing in my life… and who wants to spend time with ME! I
think you're so incredible; sometimes I don't understand why you'd
give me the time of day.
But there are bad days. You look at me and see me one way. But the way
I see me…
I'm way overweight. I'm clumsy. I'm really not pretty at all. My
features are small, my hair is never quite right, my skin isn't great.
I'm blind. I don't know anything about anything in the culinary world.
I'm shy. I'm awkward in social situations. I have mad sexual baggage.
I don't see the good in me. I look at myself and see all the things
that I don't have, that I don't know, that I'm not. It's hard to
remember sometimes that someone can look at me and NOT see me how I
see myself.
You terrify me, principally because of how much I value you as a
person. You make me want to know, learn, be more without ever making
me feel like I'm not enough. I love spending time with you because you
make me think and everything I learn or see or do makes me want to
tell you about it. And when I'm with you… I'm so happy. It feels good.
It feels right. I can't imagine my life without you in it.
But sometimes I forget that it's just our bubble. It's so hard for me
to be outside it sometimes. You know all those times you get inside
your head and start sending me those messages? Well, I spiral into a
vicious cycle of my own - of thoughts and angry rants directed at no
one but me:
You're crazy to think that he wants anything to do with you. What are
you doing? What do you really expect? You're a toy; you're a
distraction; you're a temporary escape; you're an outlet; you're a for
now; you're only what he isn't getting from somewhere else; he won't
need you for long; you're sex; you're an awful secret that will never
be told; you're second and second is last; you'll never be number one;
you're deluding yourself thinking you're important enough for him to
want to be around you; he'll never choose you; you're nothing to him;
he won't need you now that things are going better for him. He has
Megan, he has his whole life and you aren't part of it. And now that
they're in a new house and soon they'll have a child at home and he
has a new job, you're not going to be part of that equation, so why
are you pretending like you're anything meaningful now? Just cut it
off - you know he really wants to anyway and just can't find the
courage to tell you…
See what I mean? I spiral and spiral and spiral and get lost in these
awful thoughts. Sometimes it lasts two point four seconds, and
sometimes it lasts for three days. Every time I see you, though,
everything awful and wrong, everything I'm insecure about
instantaneously dissolves and I'm on cloud seventy-eight and
everything is right and everything makes sense. I see you and I
remember. And I know you. And I feel so good with you. That's how I
know that all of those thoughts come from nowhere but inside me, that
it's all in my head. None of those awful sentences are reality;
they're (1) disbelief that someone I hold in such high regard could
possibly see me in anywhere near that same light; and (2) the
paralyzing fear at the thought of losing you.
I hate when we have to part ways. When we leave one another, I come
home to my house. I
usually camp out in my room with a blanket and thoughts of you. Food
Network is usually on, sure, but my mind is with you. Sometimes my
mind is too much for me - I know how I am - so I go spend time with a
friend who is asking for someone to talk to. That way, she'll get to
talk to me about everything that's going on with her and chances are
good she won't ask anything about me, which is just the way I like it.
I like being able to take care of someone - it gives me a sense of
purpose and it also helps me to lose myself for awhile. I go do
things, but I don't go do people. Not the way that you think I do. I
can't. I couldn't if i wanted to. First and foremost, I have far too
many sexual hangups and baggage in general to do any hooking up
whatsoever. Second, all I think about is you. In my head, it's just
you. So I couldn't. It would feel so very wrong to me.
As for you…
You get to go home to your real life. With your real girlfriend. You're a "we" and an "us" and a "they." You
drive one another's cars. You bought new furniture. You moved into a
new place together, a place that will be better for the collective
you. And in that new place I know you probably get to sleep in your
collective bed. And wake up to one another's alarms.
And it's good; it is. I want the best of the best for you,
because you deserve it. I want you to be in a loving relationship
where you are valued and where all of the things that I love about you
are recognized and appreciated and loved. I want you to be with
someone who is proud to be with you and who realizes how lucky she is
to be with you. Who can't wait to come home to you every night. But
who feels that way all the time.
It will always be difficult for me that Megan was not there for you
when I met you. I do not pretend to know the ins and outs of your
relationship, but I resent that - that she gets to be the fair-weather
girlfriend to you, that she wasn't there beside you when things were
tough but now that you were given this job opportunity, suddenly she's
back and back in love and back to proud. Regardless, I'm so glad to
hear that she is being more positive and that she is happier to be
with you now; I hope that things continue to get better there and that
you are really able to reconnect on that core friendship level again
to better rebuild your relationship and your life together.
I think you are so incredible, and as your friend, I want to be there
next to you through anything and everything. It's like I always tell
you when you feel the need to apologize for being in a certain mood or
being preoccupied: I'll take you any way you come. And I mean that
wholeheartedly. That's what friends do. Not because they have to,
either, but because they want to. Elated, destroyed, angry,
distracted, indifferent, content, chill, freaking out… any way you
come. I really care about you… I love you.
Truth be told… I'd be with you in a heartbeat. I really would. Time
with you just makes my heart sing.
However. That being said… I'm not asking you for anything. Nor will I.
I feel so lucky to have you in my life as such a close friend. I'm so
grateful to have met you. I value our friendship more than I think you
can understand. And I'll spend time with you and be there for you in
whatever capacity I can.
Anyway.
That's just a teeny glimpse into the turmoil that is My Mind."
What the hell is that all about? While he says that he never felt that way about her nor that he ever thought of leaving me but I can't help but wonder: Is that a lie too? After 5 years do I even know this man at all? What else does he lie to me about?
I will share how I decided to find that out next time. Until then; stay strong <3
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