Food for Thought ...

So I've decided that whenever I think of something that hurts me I would write it here.  These are my confessions of a betrayed woman....

What hurts me in thinking about this is the fact that for 4 months I was "competing" with someone else & I was the only one who didn't know that.  It's not fair & not realistic to compare or favor her over me when we have real life stresses.  We have bills, a house to clean, kids & pets to care for, & shared adult responsibilities.  I must also mention again that I was unaware of this fight for my boyfriend and his affection.

I was not the one to get the attention or the affection at that time.  He was very cold, mean, and always at work or too tired for me.  But Frenchie did.  He'd talk to her real late, after I was asleep.  They'd drink together after his shift at night.  I don't know how often this occured but if he had feelings for her or not this hurts me very much.

I was cleaning his house.  Washing his clothes.  Buying his groceries.  Trying to take care of our family.  I bought every Christmas gift but one this year.  I remember asking him if he got her Christmas gift shortly after finding out because I was still so hurt over my neglect throughout the holidays.

I thought that he was miserable with having 2 jobs & being broke (he still maintains he was) but I now feel that he grew to resent me then because I expected more from him because we have family ... and Frenchie took anything she could get from him because she selfishly just wanted it; it made her look perfect & understanding in every way.  She didn't care that this was a 5 year relationship she was trying to end, she didnt care when she found out we were having a baby. 

And then I wonder, did he jus say all these horrible things about me to keep her there to boost his self esteem during this rough patch in our 5 year very loving relationship?  Did he mean them?  Does 4 months erase 5 years?  Should I even be asking these questions?  I feel like I'm such a fool not to go, I'm almost 26, he's 30...I'll be starting close to where he was when we started.  Its just scary with kids now, my son has seen him as his father since he was 3 months old, and Im pregnant with another child.  I just don't know how to leave everything I know and that my son knows.....and I'm being told that I'm loved, and that he regrets it and that he has never stopped loving or needing or desiring me. 

Right now I need to focus on having a healthy baby though.  I can figure out the rest through my writing and times of reflection.  Every day I hope to gain strength & self worth.